Daddy is in a sandbox

Well, Mark was able to call again this morning. He's been able to call every morning, but hasn't been able to talk more than 3 or 4 minutes. He calls and wakes me up after he runs. He tells me he loves me. I make sure he slept OK, and is eating enough. We tell each other we miss them, and how important he is to me/I am to him, and then he has to hurry off the phone.

I'm still rather groggy. I went to bed late (for me) last night. I was able to talk to Mark for about 5 minutes, last night. He was exhausted. I probably could have kept him on the phone for an hour, but he's been fighting a cold for a couple of weeks now, and he's being worked like a dog. He has to wake up at 10 til 4 (am) for some reason. He's been made Platoon Sergent, over and on top of everything else. So he's just extremely busy and tired. He told me to call his mom and let her know that he's alright.

I called her at 9:30 (pm) last night. She's worried about him, which is normal. We spoke for an hour. She's worried that he doesn't have any friends to talk to. I assured her, as much as I could, that by all accounts Mark is pretty well liked. There does seem to be a few people that he will be able to call friends. Because he was promoted into this Company from another unit, he doesn't know anybody, really. I told her how hard he was being worked. She was worried about that as well. I explained to her that when you're any type of leader, and you have an employee who is a hard worker, and does not need a lot of guidance and over seeing to get the job done, done well, and done in a timely manner...it's just normal to give that worker MORE duties than you would anyone else. It SUCKS, but it's just what you do. Well...it appears that this Company has seen in Mark what a hard worker he is, and they are working him hard. It just is what it is. He'll be alright. It's a lot easier to work hard, when the people who surround you are of a professional mentality and work hard, also. What really stinks, is when you are a hard worker, and the people around you are slack, self serving, and/or have the general mentality of a third generation well fare recipient and believes they are OWED something and shouldn't have to work hard for it. There is my politically incorrect statement for the day, I guess.

I told her about the News. I told her about the morning I was taking Mark to the airport, and what we saw on the News in the Dinner. The Commanding General is proposing to start pulling out troops in September of this year and to continue through 2007. I told her that it was good news, and it gave us hope. When Mark and I woke up that morning, we had no hopes of him coming home early. But after seeing that, we now have hope. I understand that it's a slim chance. Bush doesn't seem to want to hear anything of pulling out. But if the Commanding General, who is in Iraq, is suggesting it (for lack of a better term, this very second) it is something to hope for. So now Mark and I have several scenarios. Worst case scenario is that he stays for the whole time. Best case scenario (which I know is about as likely as me buying a winning lotto ticket) is that he doesn't make it over there at all, that it's called off. But at least there is that hope. Now, rather than the days, weeks, months looming in front of us for ages...I can think "Maybe he'll be home in this month" or "Maybe he'll be home for this event". Prior to watching the news that morning, I had NONE of those thoughts or feelings. I just have to say, I would rather be hopeful for 16 months and nothing happen, than be negative and pessimistic for 16 months and nothing happen.

HOPE. It's a pretty word. It's not a guaranteed thing. But hope can keep you healthy. No hope can make you sick with worry. I can't afford that. It's important with everything that is going on in mine and Marks life, to be hopeful. To be optimistic. Positive. Glass half full, kinda gal. I think this is natural for my body. But I think I learned at a young age to be guarded and pessimistic. Negative. I think this was something I learned from both my parents and used as a type of shield, or defense. It was protection, really. If you expect the worst, you won't be hurt as bad if the worst happens. Believe it or not, it was 9-11 that changed it. It didn't change everything over night. But it got the ball rolling. A snowball actually. Snowball effect. If you always expect the worst, what have you done to yourself? If you expect the worst, and it doesn't happen...what then? You've had sleepless nights? You have been cranky to those you love? Your stress level is over the top? You're more likely to get silly little colds and flu bugs which just adds to everything negative? "Expect the best, prepare for the worst" I actually think I'm more positive than that. But it's not too far removed from my mantra. I think I expect and hope for the best, but live in reality. That sentence just isn't as pithy, though.

I do understand that I will have my pity party days. It was just over 12 months ago that Mark got back from over a year in Iraq. He was away from home for longer than a year, but spent over a year in Iraq. I learned VERY early on in that deployment that I had to stay as upbeat and positive as I could. This was for a multitude of reasons. For my health, for Marks health, and I wanted to make Mark proud. I'm so proud of him. I wanted and still want to be as close to the perfect Military Wife as possible. I am not talking about putting on an act. I just don't have the energy to "act" like anything. I just want to be a good wife, which translates into a good Military wife, for my husband. He's a role model, I want to be one, too. But, I do know that I will have my "blue" days. I just can't let them rule me. How can I help Mark, if I can't help myself?

When the end of my life comes, and I hope I'm 95 or older when that is, I want to be able to lay on my death bed and reflect. I don't want to feel guilty for short changing anyone, for taking shortcuts to get ahead. The "right way" is normally not the easy way. But I want to be able to sleep each night, with a clear conscious. When I'm on my death bed, I want to be able to face that without fear. I want to always know I have done the best I can. People know when they don't do the best they can. People know. They try not to think about it...but it will sneak up on them someday and they will have to think about it. I want to feel good about who I am, what I have done, and how I have handled things. Even if I don't always do the right thing, as long as I TRY to do the right thing with an honest heart...then I'll be OK.

posted by Military_Wife @ Thursday, June 29, 2006